Running Free

An experienced based article on the benefits of running to tackle anxiety.  

As someone who suffers with anxiety, I have found through personal experience that exercise and movement is one of the best ways to bring me back to reality when I’m in a high state of panic. Therefore, when I stumbled across an article on Mind which led me to Dan, I instantly knew he was someone I wanted to talk to. 

Dan is Chief of Technology for a meditation app by day, and a writer by night. He also occasionally runs ultramarathons on weekends, and blogs openly about his experiences with anxiety. After a few weeks of reading his blog and following him on social media I finally worked up the confidence and wrote to Dan. He soon responded and agreed to speak to me about his experiences with anxiety and how running has been a key tool on his mission to lead a less anxious life.  

So, without further ado, I introduce you to Dan. 

1) Dan, when and how did you first discover you were struggling with anxiety/your mental health? And how did it feel to discover what was going on? 

I had my first panic attack at a meal on my 27th birthday. I was sat with my girlfriend (now wife) and parents when I suddenly felt very unstable and terrified. It was the strangest sensation. I went to the toilet and tried to calm down, but it kept coming back in waves. I felt like I needed medical help, but had no idea how I would explain what was wrong with me.

The attacks kept happening on and off for a month or so. At this point, I had no idea they were panic attacks. I thought I was just ill. I always felt unstable and shaky during the attacks, so I thought that maybe something was wrong with the balance organs in my ear.

When I finally went to the doctors they told me I was having panic attacks. It was very surreal to be told that. Everything about them felt so physical, so to be told it was a mental health issue was a big shock.

I felt upset and also went through a lot of denial. I had been meditating for nearly a decade, so I did not like the idea that I had a mental health issue.

2) In what ways did it impact your daily life?

I began to fear panic attacks happening again. This easily builds into what’s known as a panic disorder—the “fear of fear." So, my baseline anxiety jumped up. Whenever I went out to eat or sat down in confined spaces, I felt on edge. I began to lean more on alcohol, as having a drink was the quickest way I knew of getting rid of anxiety.

I noticed that too much coffee was a great way of triggering anxiety. I gave up caffeine completely a couple of times, but afterwards found that I could reintroduce it carefully. In fact, one of my first therapists encouraged me to use the jittery effects of caffeine as an exercise in not running away from the fear.

I developed a strong fear of flying. This meant that anxiety and panic leaked into one of my first holidays away with my wife. After getting back from that holiday that she told me that perhaps I needed to seek help. I was resistant at first. It was my problem and I thought that I could deal with it on my own. But she was right; I did need help.

3) How did you get into running as a way to tackle your anxiety? Was running one of your first methods of tackling anxiety?

I took up running after moving to the countryside and being inspired by the Rio 2016 Olympics. The bug quickly grew after I ran my first 10k, about 2 years ago. I knew some physical activity helped anxiety, but I had no idea how much running would help over time. I came for the miles but ended up getting so much more from it.

My first methods for tackling anxiety all came from therapy: deliberate exposure to scary sensations, cataloguing my catastrophic thoughts, and breaking down the panic cycle into its various stages. These all helped a lot in terms of educating myself about what I was experiencing.

4) So, a couple of years on, what impact has running had?

A pretty big one. I began to notice that running reduced my baseline anxiety and whilst boosting my overall well-being. There is a lot of research to this effect.

But just as importantly, regularly working out and running long distance was a way of proving to myself that my body was much stronger that I thought. Nearly all of my anxiety and panic centred around fears of illness or medical conditions, so to be able to see my heart rate soar, my body sweat, and my muscles burn helped me to dispel some of the ideas I had about being fragile. Not only were these sensations not bad, they were actually a sign that I was growing stronger.

Running for me is also about autonomy and freedom. When I run I usually leave my phone behind which means no calls, no emails, no notifications. Just me running along a quiet trail—going from A to B, on my own two legs. It’s bliss, and a perfect respite for an otherwise busy mind.

5) What have been your greatest struggles so far?

Accepting that I am an anxious person. I fought against this for a long time, believing that anxiety was just this disconnected part of me, whilst at heart I was still “Mr Cool.” I had to learn to see both sides of me, and really connect with that vulnerability.

Confronting all the other emotions that cluster around anxiety: sadness, embarrassment, shame, helplessness. Don’t underestimate anger! Having to struggle through anxiety often creates a deep undercurrent of anger and resentment, leaving me to question why me?! Learning to connect with that has been difficult but really important.

Getting back on a plane after having a panic attack on one.

Changing my lifestyle so I don’t overload myself. Trying to do 7 things at once—something I naturally default to—is a recipe for eventual anxiety, so I have to be aware of what load I’m putting myself under in work, and in the 27 other hobbies I have.

Passing my driving test whilst being on the edge of a panic attack. I have no idea how I got through it, but I did, and it still feels like one of the greatest achievements of my life!

6) What have been your greatest achievements so far?

Running 100 kilometres in a day, from Bath to Cheltenham, whilst raising £1200 for a mental health charity. It was the perfect combination of doing something I love for a cause that is so meaningful to me. It was also really tough, especially as the race fell in the middle of the summer heatwave!

7) On your blog you have spoken about the impact of alcohol, can you tell me a bit more about this and anything else that you find impacts/improves your anxiety?

When I look back, alcohol has always been there, lurking right next to the anxiety.

My first attack (at the birthday meal) was during a horrible hangover. Nearly all of my worst periods of anxiety after that featured heavy nights out, or multiple nights of drinking. I kind of recognised that early on, but alcohol was such an unquestioned part of my life that I felt powerless to do much about it.

It’s even more complicated though, because alcohol doubles as a coping mechanism for anxiety. My anxiety would often creep up in the evenings, and I’d wash it away with a big glass of red wine. It was remarkably effective… in the short term. 

But each time you have a drink because you feel anxious you are legitimising it by agreeing that it’s something terrible that needs to be drowned out. You are reinforcing the idea that it is something to be feared and escaped: something you cannot deal with. Paradoxically, this is exactly what keeps it alive.

Learning to cope with anxiety without alcohol was tough. But ultimately it gave way to some of the most confident, happy and anxiety-free periods that I can remember. It feels scary at first, like taking the stabilisers of a bike, but once you get through it you will feel much better. 

I gave up drinking for 6 months. I aimed for 3 months, but just kept going as I felt so good. I had been inspired to try a prolonged period of not drinking after reading Catherine Gray’s The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, which I can’t recommend enough. It wasn’t just about “giving up” alcohol, but about using the time, energy and money saved to reconnect with other things I cared about.

My anxiety dropped off, my productivity went through the roof, I saved a load of money, and slept like a princess.

8) How do you plan to keep working on anxiety and your goals within running?

I have to stay honest. I have to greet and welcome the anxiety when it comes back. I have to take time to give it space. If I try and ignore it, it gets worse and turns into something much more difficult.

Honesty also means opening up and telling my wife when I feel crappy. She is an amazing support but she can only support me when I tell her what’s going on! This took me a long time to figure out...

As for running, I am totally obsessed so no plan is required! I am currently resting my running legs to let an injury heal but have already signed up for an Ironman triathlon in 2019 and will be continuing to run ultramarathons. My big goal is to finish a 100-mile run, but I’m not in a crazy rush anymore and want to train smarter this time to avoid injury.

I love to write and want to help others struggling with anxiety. I’ve already written a few articles on my blog to that end. But writing also helps me to understand my anxiety at a deeper level. It’s often said that the best way to learn is to teach and writing for others helps me clarify the nature of anxiety, and reflect on what’s really made the difference for me.

9) What advice would you give anyone else who is in a similar position?

First and foremost: talk to someone. Anxiety is very isolating, and you may sometimes feel like you’re losing your mind. You feel like no-one could possibly understand. You feel embarrassed and alone. This is just how anxiety works. But the more you can externalise it and talk about it, the more comfortable you will feel about it, and the quicker the healing can begin.

Anxiety spreads in silence, so talk to those close to you. People will be more interested than you think. People will rally around you, and many will also share their struggles.

And then talk to a therapist. A therapist is invaluable, as they will understand the kinds of catastrophic thoughts you’ll be experiencing. CBT is the standard therapy recommend for panic attacks, and I highly recommend it. It will help you distinguish thoughts from feelings, and really understand how the whole cycle works. I’ve also gone through ACT and traditional psychotherapy, both of which I found valuable. Not just for anxiety!

Self-educate. There are loads good books on anxiety. My favourite is ‘DARE’ by Barry McDonagh (https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0158S7E1G/). I have found the DARE method to be very effective, and it's what I immediately fall back to if I feel anxious or panicky. 

I also wrote an article called 5 Things to Remember When You’re Struggling With Anxiety and Panic Attacks (https://howtohumanbeing.com/5-things-to-remember-when-youre-struggling-with-anxiety-and-panic-attacks/) that contains some of the principles that can put into practice today if you’re experiencing anxiety.

Understand that anxiety is an opportunity for growth, not just an “illness.” It’s an opportunity to practise self-care, to remodel your lifestyle for the better, to connect more deeply with others, and to grow through some of the toughest adversity that a person can face.

Finally, find movement that brings you joy. It doesn’t have to be running (phew!), but your body is made to move. It’s in your genes, in your bones. It doesn’t matter if it’s cycling, dancing, rock climbing, hiking, spin classes, volunteering, cartwheeling, CrossFit or just going for more walks—physical activity in its myriad forms is one of your biggest allies when it comes to mental health. There are some other nice benefits too, like weight loss, body confidence, health, happiness, raging evangelism…!

You can find Dan’s blog at https://howtohumanbeing.com/

Where to find other helpful resources (UK)…

Mind: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri 9am – 6pm), https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines

Nightline – Night-time listening service. Run by students for students. Details available from your student union: https://www.nightline,ac.uk/universitycampuses.

Samaritons: 116 123 Text: Email Jo@samaritons.org

Young Minds: https://www.youngminds.org.uk./

This list is by no means exhaustive. There are so many places to turn to, whether that be someone at your school, University or workplace, friends and family, or even books and websites.

'You're Too Sensitive'

'You're too sensitive'

It's a sentiment that I heard all too often whilst growing up. I would hear it in the playground at school, or whispered among friends when I took a harsh comment all too seriously. I would hear it said just that little bit too loudly behind me during a panic attack at school or when it was said directly to my face in an attempt to upset me. There wasn't a week that went by when someone, whether it be a friend or a mere acquaintance, didn't make a comment about how I was 'too sensitive' and needed to 'lighten up a little'.

After a while, I began to believe the narrow-minded youngsters who would jeer at me for getting upset or insecure about something others would view as harmless. Going to school became more and more difficult when I found out what cruel kids were saying behind my back. Granted, the majority of the pupils who made these comments about being 'too sensitive' or 'crying at everything' had probably never experienced a panic attack themselves and felt too disconnected from the situation to understand what it felt like. But nonetheless, their comments got into my head, and as a result I became MORE sensitive.

But what if being sensitive isn't as bad as it seems? What if it's not a weakness?

Instead, what if people were to recognize the positive qualities that are created through the act of being sensitive?

A release of emotion...being sensitive suggests you aren't one to bottle up your emotions. Through a quick release of what you are feeling, you make it possible to deal with the issue on hand faster than others and you will be more likely to create a healthy pattern of dealing with your problems. This is personal to each and every one of us and the key thing to remember is allowing yourself to do this in a safe, supportive environment, whether that be with a teacher you trust at your school, a parent or perhaps a friend.

Sensitive people tend to be understanding to other people's situations...being sensitive can often mean you are very willing to listen to other people's issues. It can mean you aren't afraid to talk about the more serious subjects, and that you will be there to support others in the same way you hope they will support you.

You are true to yourself...accepting the sensitive side of yourself, and not giving in to the sometimes judgemental comments, shows that you are being true to yourself and your nature. Ironically, this shows you are a strong person and are able to put yourself first.

It shapes how you treat others and makes you YOU... It can be the cause of your sensitivity towards others, your passion for helping other people, and your ability to empathize. Also, if crying is the best way for you to release your feelings then why should you suppress it and feel ashamed? Yes, I think it is important to consider how often you find yourself upset and to what extent it is healthy, but overall if this is the best release for you at certain times then why try and convince yourself you need to change because of the opinions of others?

In conclusion, I feel there is such a thing as being 'too sensitive'. If it comes to a point where it disrupts your daily life and stops you from doing things then it probably isn't the healthiest trait. However, a certain level of sensitivity and the ability to be in touch with one's emotions is, for many people, necessary to creating a healthy relationship with themselves and their feelings. If letting out your emotions in a raw way is how you deal with things most efficiently then don't try and suppress this, or change, just to satisfy those around you who might not understand this just as well as you do. All in all, it is important to remember that everyone is different and everyone will experience different methods of managing how they're feeling. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you're learning to cope in the best way for you and doing so in a safe, supportive environment.

Photo Credit - Emma Frances Logan

Anxiety

Following my previous post on anxiety I have written a more informative article about anxiety at university which has now been published on The Tab. I would be hugely grateful if people would go and have a read!

Anxiety at University

Anxiety

Anxiety,

It is difficult to comprehend the magnitude to which you can disrupt my life. Your unrelenting ability to uproot the simplest of routines. The refusal to allow a moment of rest between irrational thought after irrational thought. And the insatiable desire to please and to succeed which often ends with the stinging tears of disappointment and self-resentment as you cause me to set bars so impossibly and painstakingly high.

Some days you are kind. Climbing free from the covers of safety that surround me by night and stepping out of the door into the big wide world don’t seem so scary. But some days just the thought of opening my eyes feels too much to handle. You plague every moment, making my limbs heavy and my heart dreary. Conversation becomes impossible and the ability to tick my way through a to-do list is now beyond comprehension.

People come, and people go but you refuse to let them stop circling my mind. Overthinking every detail of what was said between us, every touch of our skin, every contact of our eyes. You influence the light through which I am perceived, planting doubt and ridicule into the hands of those surrounding me. You blur the lenses through which my peers are able to assess our interactions and instead of stopping here, you leave me questioning what they see for days on end.

How is it fair? I ask over and over. That while my mind works on overdrive to assess every detail of every situation that those around me appear so carefree. But that’s your trick. Because I am not alone. I am not alone yet you make me feel like I couldn’t be further isolated from the population I am desperate to feel a part of. You drive a wedge between reality and insanity. And some days your grip is so tight around my throat, causing the breath to escape from my lungs and my airways to turn to fire so that it is impossible to take a moment. A moment to realise that I am not the only one feeling this way.

You are a cruel, relentless, inescapable plague that blackens the light which life offers.

You are anxiety.

And I can overcome you.