Saturday 24 February 2018

Anxiety

Anxiety,

It is difficult to comprehend the magnitude to which you can disrupt my life. Your unrelenting ability to uproot the simplest of routines. The refusal to allow a moment of rest between irrational thought after irrational thought. And the insatiable desire to please and to succeed which often ends with the stinging tears of disappointment and self-resentment as you cause me to set bars so impossibly and painstakingly high.

Some days you are kind. Climbing free from the covers of safety that surround me by night and stepping out of the door into the big wide world don’t seem so scary. But some days just the thought of opening my eyes feels too much to handle. You plague every moment, making my limbs heavy and my heart dreary. Conversation becomes impossible and the ability to tick my way through a to-do list is now beyond comprehension.

People come, and people go but you refuse to let them stop circling my mind. Overthinking every detail of what was said between us, every touch of our skin, every contact of our eyes. You influence the light through which I am perceived, planting doubt and ridicule into the hands of those surrounding me. You blur the lenses through which my peers are able to assess our interactions and instead of stopping here, you leave me questioning what they see for days on end.

How is it fair? I ask over and over. That while my mind works on overdrive to assess every detail of every situation that those around me appear so carefree. But that’s your trick. Because I am not alone. I am not alone yet you make me feel like I couldn’t be further isolated from the population I am desperate to feel a part of. You drive a wedge between reality and insanity. And some days your grip is so tight around my throat, causing the breath to escape from my lungs and my airways to turn to fire so that it is impossible to take a moment. A moment to realise that I am not the only one feeling this way.

You are a cruel, relentless, inescapable plague that blackens the light which life offers.

You are anxiety.

And I can overcome you.
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4 comments

  1. This is such an amazing post, and so well written. As a long term anxiety sufferer myself, I really relate with a lot you've mentioned here. I wish you all the best and hope your anxiety continues to get better in the future!

    Lucy | Forever September

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    1. Thank you so much for such a lovely reply and for taking the time to read this x

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  2. This is so beautifully written and explained. I can also relate to this x

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. I am glad you have been able to connect to it. Best wishes x

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